Tuesday marks the final month of the year. And, while everyone is celebrating the end to one of our most disastrous years in history, I am dreading the final month of the year as I do every year.
Because, for 24 days, we have an asshole come and visit us. Every. Damn. December.
Whoever invented the Elf on the Shelf, from my family to yours: F you.
*Does vigorous internet sleuthing* OK, so some halfwit mother and daughter wrote the book in 2005 based on this crazy mother’s stories she told her kids way back when. And now all of a sudden families all over the world use this little stuffed thing to watch their kids during Christmastime.
Where the hell was Edward Snowden with this crap?
Why couldn’t we just have been happy with the whole song about “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” and remind our kids? Did we really need this uninvited guest around our home for the holidays? (Now, it really sounds like a drunk uncle).
Well, you may be thinking, Why not just sit it out? Don’t buy it for your kid, or play into it? Well, then my retort is, You clearly don’t have kids. Aside from the peer pressure your kid feels from their friends at school about their Elf (more below), now all of a sudden your kid WANTS the Elf to come around. How can you deny your kid that? Especially at Christmas, which is supposed to be magical for kids.
There are so many sad things about this, it’s hard to list them all – but here’s a few from my POV:
- Why add extra stress to parents during the most stressful time of year? Every day, you have to put the Elf in a new place in your house because, as this ridiculous legend has it, the Elf flies back to the North Pole to report on your child’s behavior to Santa, and then returns to your house the next day.
- How did this catch fire and then “become a thing?” It’s so well-known that if your kid does not have an Elf at home, other kids in the class ostracize your child, ruining their Christmas season. Our Elf has been named “Sparkles” like she’s a damn stripper.
- During this time of year, kids are reminded about being “naughty” or “nice” and now you have a narc from the North Pole watching over your kid? Now you have to keep tabs on the kid, and remind your child every day about their misdeeds?
- Why perpetuate the myth of Santa Claus, and add to it? Can’t we just leave it as Santa and Rudolph and call it a season?
I’m sure these lunatics who wrote this book and turned it into a multi-million dollar franchise that includes movie specials and even Jewish spinoffs (yes, “Mensch on a Bench” is a thing) don’t feel any remorse about this new “tradition” to Christmas. But, for most regular parents, this is a pain in the ass. And, especially on the evening – or morning after – you’ve had too much eggnog.
Do you realize how difficult it is to come up with new ideas for your Elf every day for a month, hoping that you don’t repeat some idea from last year since your kid will totally remember? It’s effing hard.
And, if your kid has too much sugar (around the holidays? No! Never!) and acts like a punk, then you’ve got to deal with Is Sparkles coming tomorrow? What is she going to tell Santa? and the meltdown that comes with that. I’ll be honest … sometimes I hope my child acts up so I can take Sparkles away for a day or two and just take a break.
Above all, it’s ridiculous to deal with this and I hate that we’re involved with it. I honestly have no idea how this thing came to live in our house, but I know my daughter loves it. This isn’t tradition, it’s a marketing ploy — which, I suppose you could call Christmas these days anyway.
Reluctantly, I have accepted my fate with this … like a lot of things parents do. It’s just another weight on our shoulders. Because Christmas isn’t hard enough, trying to please everyone and do things right and make it special each and every year with lights, and decorations, and the right presents, and on and on and on.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go dig up Sparkles from some area in our house where we’ve hidden her and get her ready for arrival.