Am I the Kindergarten Cop?

I had the weirdest revelation the other day while eating breakfast. There was no conversation that begat my thought, no moment that drew me to this a-ha moment; it just sort of … happened.

My child is in Kindergarten.

What if Arnold Scharzenegger was her teacher?

Obviously the reality of that is completely ridiculous. The former Governor of California, longtime Terminator, and Twin of Danny DeVito would never actually lead my child’s Kindergarten classroom.

But if Detective John Kimball – or the idea of that person – was my 5-year-old daughter’s teacher, it would be … well, it would be weird.

My daughter’s Kindergarten teacher is exactly like you’d imagine: a very sweet, kind, and patient (Lord, has she got to be patient) woman who I’ve always seen smiling. It’s like she was plucked off the cover of Kindergarten Teacher Magazine.

220px-kindergarten_cop_filmI guess, now that I’m in the position as a Kindergarten parent, the oddity of that movie’s plot finally dawns on me. Whereas, before, I was watching it for the hilarity of Arnold struggling to say “ferret” (a combination of Elmer Fudd, and English as a second language – fehhhhhrutt), and the two kids – the one who is very knowledgeable about anatomy, and the one who is fascinated with death.

And, now, thinking back to that movie, I don’t think that there was nearly enough attention paid to how weird it was to have a hulking male as a Kindergarten teacher. Oh, sure, they touch on it with the miniscule principal, but the focus of the parents’ questions is if Mr. Kimball is single? What about the love interest, Joyce? She seems like your typical grade-school teacher – isn’t she curious enough to sniff out that this guy who is suddenly in Astoria, Oregon and is not your typical Kindergarten teacher?

(Side note: probably why it only receives a 51% on rottentomatoes.com)

There is not enough fatherly influence in this movie! (mock anger there) The two fathers featured in the movie are: the villain who coordinates some bad drugs so the witnesses to his crimes will overdose and is looking to steal his son back, and then the father who abuses his kid and gets pummeled by Mr. Kimball outside of school.

If I were to walk into my daughter’s classroom and a Mr. Kimball-esque person was the teacher, I’d definitely have some questions. And it wouldn’t be if he were single.

kindergartencopI had a homeroom teacher in seventh grade – I am blanking on his name – but he told us he was once in camp with the Seahawks as a quarterback. Seemed legit. He was tall, and his biceps stretched his polo shirt (plus he had a great head of hair and a mustache – think Uncle Rico, but way cooler), but that was seventh grade.

Kindergarten just seems so much more innocent to me. And, really, it is. As parents we want to protect our kids as much as possible from any seen or unseen dangers. It’s not like I could take Arnold in any sort of physical altercation – he killed Predator, for crying out loud! – but it would just seem odd if he were teaching five and six-year-olds.

Although, having Arnold as a Kindergarten teacher would be the ultimate protection. Think about it … he could probably carry the entire classroom out of harm’s way. And, if he brought his fehhhhhrutt and taught physical fitness, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad.

Really, maybe I’m just pining for a “Kindergarten Cop: Uncut” version where all of these questions are answered and not glossed over for time, or because it didn’t give Arnold more opportunities to land jokes during the comedy portion of his career.

Knowing how Hollywood recycles movie ideas, maybe a remake with The Rock is on the way. Get me the number of that producer, I’ve got some ideas on this …

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