It’s extremely rare that this happens — and as I’m learning, especially more so with a child — but for about two hours yesterday I had the house to myself. Well, me and the dogs … but still.
What could I do with all this time? If it were the afternoon, I would have cracked a beer and opened a book. But since it was morning, I couldn’t do that. (Well, I suppose I could but it might be frowned upon when I rolled into work.)
I grabbed one of the dogs and went for a nice, leisurely run. I didn’t have time constraints to get home for a feeding, or naptime, or to cram in a dinner before bed.
When I got home, I had about an hour where I needed to iron a shirt, get cleaned up, make some breakfast, and go. I turned up some classic rock to drunken decibels.
I peeled off my sweaty shirt. Then my shoes and socks.
Then a lightbulb flickered on. I was home alone.
My shorts came off next. I was walking around the house in the nude.
I was dancing to the music. I was ironing a shirt. I was making food. I was having a ball (pun not intended). It was like taking the famous scene from Risky Business to a whole other level.
And then I caught a glimpse of myself. I did not look like this.
Thankfully, though, I didn’t look like this:
It was like the moment when Adam and Eve become cognizant of everything. Somewhere in the distance I heard a record player screech to a halt.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was ashamed walking around naked in my own house. It was somewhat liberating, considering I hadn’t done it since I was single and lived by myself in a cramped apartment.
But I definitely needed guidelines. So, today, I give you the “If You Find Yourself Dancing Naked In Your House Rules”
#1 – Close all the blinds. It was 9 am. Housewives and old women were out for their morning strolls.
#2 – Close all the windows. The music is loud. People might appreciate Tom Petty’s voice. They probably won’t appreciate mine.
#3 – If you cook, don’t cook bacon.
#4 – In fact, just toast and cereal are fine.
#5 – Avoid mirrors.
#6 – Don’t sit. Everything gets all crumpled up. Besides, then your naked ass is on the sofa. Your wife will not like that.
#7 – Don’t scare your pets.
#8 – Keep your nudity to your own room or hallway. No need to bring every nook and cranny of your body into every nook and cranny of your home.
#9 – Put a time limit on your nakedness. Ten minutes is probably long enough.
#10 – Don’t do anything that contorts your body. Stay upright while dancing. As Jerry said in a Seinfield episode: “When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It’s like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.”