Babies vs. Drunks

P1000543Over the past few weeks, as my daughter has become more mobile there is one recurring thought I have when I see her moving:

She’s like a drunk mini human.

Most everyone has had to play defense on an overserved individual at least once in their life, protecting them from injuring themselves or others, making sure anything they do doesn’t result in catastrophe. That is a very common theme with a rollicking infant.

If my daughter is sitting down, I steady her so she doesn’t teeter over.

Not much difference between the top pic and this one.
Not much difference between the top pic and this one.

Like a drunk, she has a tendency to tilt to one side or another. It doesn’t always work, but at least my arms are there to balance her, the way a plastered wall holds up a plastered person who isn’t completely sure of their equilibrium.

And, when she is sitting, she kind of slumps a little, like a guy who has trouble holding his head up. Think of how heavy your head gets after you’ve had a few too many. That’s the feeling any baby has because the head is the heaviest part of their body and their muscles aren’t yet developed enough to always keep their melon upright.

When she is crawling around, I have to hide things like dog toys or our magazines, which she is fascinated with because she likes the feel of paper. When a drunk is moving around your house you have to hide things, too, or else this conversation ensues:

Whoa! Dude! Look at this lighter!

Yeah, let’s put it back in the drawer.

No way. Let’s go light something on fire!

But as you hide things you have to provide something in its place. It’s like in Jurassic Park when they distract the T-Rex to chase something else. You can’t have the dog toy (lighter) but here’s a squeaky giraffe to occupy you (drunk translation: video games).

Sharp objects are bad for both parties, too. Corners of coffee tables can prove to be very dangerous.

All of a sudden my child will be sitting there and just barf. Does this even need a hammered correlation?

When you clean up a drunk’s vomit there is a 25-75 split that is part sympathy and part anger in the thinking of “Dammit, now I’ve got to wash the rug.” Those numbers are reversed with a child.

Then there’s the hunger that all of a sudden strikes. A baby will get fussy and cry and her thought is only on filling her belly. At 2 a.m. a drunk will get fussy, too, and only has one thought: a burrito.

Ultimately after enough time, a baby and a drunk will both just crash. The difference is you carry your baby to the crib. With a drunk you just throw a blanket on them wherever they end up.

But once they’re passed out, you finally get a moment to relax.

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One comment

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